Saturday, December 28, 2013

where ignorance
      is bald

'tis follicle to
      be wise

Thursday, December 26, 2013

thursday newstrip

Three icebreakers are on the way to Kim Kardashian who has become wedged in Antarctic sea ice celebrating her first Christmas as leader of the world's 1.2 billion Roman Catholics ∙ one of the companies set to get a boost from the deal that Apple signed with China Mobile last night has spent a lifetime guiding yachts into the big blue, overcoming monster seas that flattened rivals & achieving feats no one else has managed ∙ the flu vaccine took to Instagram & Twitter on Tuesday to urge people to shun pride & selfishness & ended up provoking travel chaos at one of the busiest times of the year ∙ Pope Francis is less effective for men than women, & researchers at Stanford University believe the reason behind that is hormonal ∙ widowed people are reporting higher levels of wellbeing than married couples.

Friday, December 20, 2013

What, I asked, is the active ingredient? & could you please sign it for me. I find pseudo-chemical such a hard language to follow without help.

Tuesday, December 17, 2013

tuesday newstrip

Scientists are hailing the first complete 3D map of the unpleasantness of Australian high school students ∙ the number of violent attacks on British PM David Cameron's ping-pong & culinary adventures in Chengdu has shot up to more than 173 every day ∙ a medical device has admitted she made a mistake by re-tweeting a highly offensive message from a fossilised leg bone ∙ Kim Jong Un, who suffered head injuries when he was allegedly punched in Bali, has woken from a coma & announced he wants to pour billions of pounds into the HS2 rail line between London & the North ∙ controversial air defence zone has admitted acting as a circadian clock, limiting food intake to specific times of the day ∙ Npower has been forced to make a grovelling apology to 3.4 million customers for the appalling service they received this year.

Sunday, December 15, 2013

some found postman poems

Today the
postman brought
me this completely
killer canvas creation
from the King of
Cool himself. I
fucking love it. Try
not to be too jealous.

Today the
postman brought
me a pair of
these eccentric boots
from v ave shoe repair
online sale. How much
more scandinavian
can you go?

Today the
postman brought
me a letter from
Google, saying
they'd like to pay me
my AdSense money
in the form of
advertising for my
website—meh, no
ta... plain ol' cash
will do, thanks.

Today the
postman brought
me my order from
27th nov. The
pomade has taken
a very long travel.
Now I'm happy
to be able to use
this superb pomade.

Today the
postman brought
me yet another
of your sweet
gifts. The two turtule
doves that arrived
today are adorable,
& I'm delighted by
your thoughtful &
generous ways.

Today the
postman brought
me a proper
letter! With a
hand-written
address!

Friday, December 13, 2013

Its complex and pessimistic theme of a spiritually-failed man is told from several, unreliable perspectives and points-of-view (also metaphorically communicated by the jigsaw puzzle) by several different characters (the associates and friends of the deceased) - providing a sometimes contradictory, non-sequential, and enigmatic portrait. The film tells the thought-provoking, tragic epic story of a 'rags-to-riches' child who inherited a fortune, was taken away from his humble surroundings and his father and mother, was raised by a banker, and became a fabulously wealthy, arrogant, and energetic newspaperman.

Tuesday, December 10, 2013

tuesday newstrip

Tories in Suffolk reacted badly late Saturday to the "terrible message" that the NHS says its electronic diaper can help reduce incontinence ∙ Brisbane has officially become the G20 host city just in time for the start of the charity event season ∙ a red Porsche will make an historic statement to the House of Commons about the importance of lifejackets ∙ plain tobacco packaging has confessed to "hostile acts" against North Korea ∙ the House of Lords has been accused of costing taxpayers nearly £20m hiring consultants to ensure Cristiano Ronaldo remains los Blancos' finest ∙ increased availability of Iranian oil could disrupt the dynamics of gay marriage & the cherry market ∙ Kim Kardashian defends her mothering abilities.

Sunday, December 08, 2013

Saturday, December 07, 2013

Today the
postman brought
me the Swiss Cheese
calendar for 2014.
I've sent it back
because it was
full of holes.

Thursday, December 05, 2013

so_me nova_mber pwoe_rmds

from won des laits

librarity

rodentifrice

problemonade

blodne

magmazine

oppressreleasive

k
c
u
ph

Tuesday, December 03, 2013

tuesday newstrip

Irish troops fired on by Silvio Berlusconi ∙ a communal latrine of fossilised faeces has been found to date back 240 million years ∙ less than half of all people suffering from Justin Bieber are being formally diagnosed because doctors fear stigmatizing their patients ∙ telescopes saw the still unfinished reactor disappear behind the star, but only tiny, leaping, amphibious fish re-emerge ∙ diehard fans of PlayStation finally got their hands on the next generation Syrian rebel units ∙ Boris Johnson says he "never, ever wanted to be a gameshow host" ∙ Rio Tinto's decision to mothball performance-enhancing graffiti production at its loss-making Italian newspaper site has polarized much of the community, with those in favor being labeled as liberal hippies & those against as rigid & old-fashioned.

Friday, November 29, 2013

This execution was controversial

The interviewer insults the celeb, the celeb is a bit tipsy

the celeb is a bit tipsy, hit paparazzi hotspot Il Sole last night

hit paparazzi hotspot Il Sole last night, never one for shyness in front of any camera

never one for shyness in front of any camera, may stutter & get sweaty while talking

may stutter & get sweaty while talking, hearing people speak with New England accents

hearing people speak with New England accents, my 13 year old Mathematics students in New York openly share rubbers

my 13 year old Mathematics students in New York openly share rubbers, he has to cum on my ass because he came home with me unprepared

he has to cum on my ass because he came home with me unprepared, I'm loaded onto a gurney & strapped in the outstretched position

I'm loaded onto a gurney & strapped in the outstretched position, the interviewer insults me.

Thursday, November 28, 2013

thursday newstrip

Trade Minister Armed Rubbery has been forced to issue a statement admitting that he doesn't have the intelligence to comment on intelligence matters ∙ the fourth & final opera in Wagner's Ring cycle is staged for the first time in Melbourne by a hungover driver in a satin bomber jacket ∙ Pope Francis has been pillaging & burning villages in Europe to sweeten his bid for Australia's GrainCorp Ltd ∙ Beijing has released eggs & sperm into the sea in an angry rebuke over what it says are “irresponsible remarks” made by Australia's Foreign Minister ∙ destabilising debt levels & a traumatic post-GFC restructure were seen running from the scene of a fire which destroyed the historic Albion flour mill early Wednesday morning & which was subsequently covered up by the American Humane Association ∙ a Pacific Island man's bid to become a climate change refugee suffered a blow on Tuesday after a New Zealand court refused to let him challenge a decision denying him asylum.

Sunday, November 24, 2013

reprised


I heard about the assassination of John F. Kennedy whilst I was riding on the small bus that then crossed the Coromandel Peninsula of New Zealand from Whitianga to Thames.


A narrow road in a temperate rain forest. Most times only wide enough for the bus. Branches scraping the roof. Few passengers.


The driver had a little transistor radio. Reception was, understandably, crappy at best. Scratchy. But through it all, breaking into the music, came a severe & oh so serious voice. "Stand by for an important news item." Repeated. Then, "The President of the United States, John F. Kennedy has just been assassinated."


Because of the dateline this was the morning of Saturday, November 23 in Aotearoa. Hearing the news anywhere would have caused shock, but to hear it in such surroundings was utterly bizarre. & distressing. Even to someone like myself whose politics were left of left, JFK was a figure of hope. Vietnam was still to move from S.E. Asia's equivalent of off-off-off Broadway. The Cold War was still the main occupant of the world stage. The Bay of Pigs was someone else's fuckup. The Cuban missile crisis had been resolved because of JFK's steely resolve & we were all breathing a little easier. Frank O'Hara was still alive. Kruschev was still coming on the right day!


We changed buses & headed for Auckland where we were to stay at the house of some friends who gone away a couple of days earlier & who had told us where they'd left the key. Drove into Auckland to a main street dotted with newspaper billboards – yes, they still had afternoon newspapers in those days – that proclaimed PRESIDENT KENNEDY ASSASSINATED. Not many people around, only the billboards.


Caught a taxi to our friends' house. Went inside. First thing we saw was a newspaper billboard on the wall. AMERICAN PRESIDENT ASSASSINATED. Freaked out, totally & utterly. How, if they'd been away for the last two days, could this have got there? Moved closer. Found it to be a reproduction of the billboard announcing Abraham Lincoln's assassination. Did not breathe any easier.

Wednesday, November 20, 2013

cue / that spooky / music, white boy

Note 1:
Buddhism . . . says that the person is made up of thoughts, feelings & perceptions interacting with the body in a dynamic & constantly changing way. At death this stream of mental energy is re-established in a new body.
Note 2:
JFK died on November 22, 1963 at 12.36 p.m. CST = 18:06 GMT.
Note 3:
The Tibetan Buddhists believe that the Dalai Lama is always a reincarnation of his predecessor. All Dalai Lamas are believed to be manifestations of the enlightened being Chenrezi, who chooses to be reborn to help others become enlightened.
Note 4:
Doctor Who first appeared on 23 November 1963 at 17:16 GMT.

Monday, November 18, 2013

Dallas-Day minus n

"The bells in the National Cathedral began to ring, and ring and ring.
And four hundred girls without saying a word, rose from their chairs and walked
single-file down to the gymnasium which also served as our chapel." —Luci Johnson Turpin

Saturday, November 16, 2013

saturday newstrip

A New Zealand man behind the country's biggest Ponzi scheme has been jailed for denying he had offered oral sex to an assault rifle ∙ scientists have discovered the earliest signs of life in the Central Intelligence Agency, a global child pornography ring ∙ police have seized a female staff member believed to be building a vast database of obscene comments made on live TV ∙ international money transfers could be a danger to children ∙ the goals of Sony's PlayStation 4 were rewritten from the ground up after a gameplayer inadvertently killed what turned out to be the world's oldest living creature.

Wednesday, November 13, 2013

Today the
postman brought
me a glass
ceiling. Not
for me, I told
him. Perhaps
for the lady
next door.

Tuesday, November 12, 2013

tuesday newstrip

When to-be-moms think twice a week about the tiny iPad mini, their babies' brains show more mature patterns of activity ∙ a passenger bag stuffed with what are believed to be Ukrainian melons was locked in filthy kennels for so long that one of the melons chewed off its own injured foot ∙ US physicists have used sophisticated explosives & blasting systems to study the fluid dynamics of urine "splashback" ∙ former prime minister Julia Gillard's famous misogyny speech has been turned into a song ∙ the credit industry allegedly forced its way into a bitcoin website sending a strong message to biosecurity staff to comply with their obligations ∙ the Coalition expressed "frustration" that the much maligned Cross City Tunnel could give Jakarta's boats policy wider network perks & an expanded eastern seaboard presence.

Sunday, November 10, 2013

But / he's such / a clumsy surgeon

Toe Knee Ass-Bit keeps focus
by cutting bodies
headline from The Australian, 11/10/13

Friday, November 08, 2013

some actsober pwoermds

from last month's won des laits

periferal

mistermand

distrussed

rescent

spittune

huminanity

singlot

chemiCalangelo

Tuesday, November 05, 2013

tuesday newstrip

Prime Minister Toe Knee Ass-Bit allowed himself a brief moment of celebration on Saturday after he was killed by a US drone aircraft ∙ an incident involving two mysterious barges Google has parked on a river in WA was resolved with no injuries to staff or prisoners ∙ a pilot has escaped with little more than a grazed thumb after he was forced to slash his "Rolls Royce" paid parental leave scheme & cap payouts for wealthy women ∙ the battle of breakfast TV has barely survived two hours detained in a Russian prison ∙ two health workers have been disciplined for professional misconduct after the body of an investment bank was found in a trash can ∙ the Environment Minister has launched a campaign aimed at reducing the number of New Zealanders.

Friday, November 01, 2013

Issue #31 of Otoliths is now live


I turned 72 on Wednesday. Thursday/Friday, depending on where you are, out comes issue #31 of Otoliths. In twelve years time I'll be 84 but Otoliths will only be up to issue #79—if that, since I'll probably be infirm & unable to bring out more than two issues a year. It's improbable that the number of issues of Otoliths will ever catch up to my age. As the tortoise once said to the hare, "Read your Zeno, Dude, & eat my dust."

In the meantime, I'm proud to bring out another solid issue, again containing a wide-ranging spectrum of work, this time from Katrinka Moore, Andrew Topel, Philip Byron Oakes, John Hand, Bjarte Alvestad, Louis Armand, Jac Nelson, rob mclennan, Bob Marcacci, Anna Ryan-Punch, Robert Lee Brewer, J. Crouse, Jack Galmitz, John M. Bennett, John M. Bennett & Thomas M. Cassidy, John M. Bennett & Matthew Stolte, John M. Bennett & Baron, John M. Bennett & Jim Leftwich, Gary Barwin, Anny Ballardini, Bogdan Puslenghea, Ed Baker, Willie Smith, Raymond Farr, gary lundy, Caitlin Annette Johnson, Francesco Aprile, Marilyn R. Rosenberg, Travis Cebula, sean burn, Ross B. Stager, John Pursch, Marco Alexandre de Oliveira, Tom Beckett, SS Prasad, Claramarie Burns, Stephen Nelson, Daniel Morris, Lakey Comess, Stephen C. Middleton, Owen Bullock, Marcia Arrieta, Márton Koppány, Robert Okaji, Roger Williams, Norman Abjorensen, Bobbi Lurie, Richard Barrett & Rachel Sills, Jeff Harrison, Mark Roberts, Susan Gangel, Jennie Cole, Eileen R. Tabios, Steven D. Stark, Mary Cresswell, Donna Fleischer, Marty Hiatt, Emily Stewart, Stu Hatton, Bob Heman, Thomas Fink, Thomas Fink & Maya Diablo Mason, Aditya Bahl, Cherie Hunter Day, Aaron Robertson, bruno neiva, Carla Bertola, Alberto Vitacchio, Chris D'Errico, Michael Brandonisio, J. D. Nelson, & Tony Beyer.

Thursday, October 31, 2013

th'readlines

'World's first' Bitcoin ATM opens
Katy Perry Bares Midriff at Sydney Opera House!

Exposed: Australia's Asia spy network
Just like Earth, but 2000 degrees hotter!

Tuesday, October 29, 2013

tuesday newstrip

Police from the NSW gang squad are patrolling the state's northern border looking for Miranda Kerr & Orlando Bloom • a large number of women believe that holding shares in Apple causes breast cancer • toxic algal bloom in tweet war • three-year-old daughter lives in fear after Justin Bieber was put up for sale listed as a "hardly used sex puppet" on a Facebook page • the mayor, the love rat & nudity • several ice cores narrowly miss spectators in rail network race • endangered frog populations caused suspicious infernos that extensively damaged properties in the east of the city • the number of motorcycles using antiperspirant on delivery rounds increasing • could a North Queensland tropical island have its very own Loch Ness monster?

Monday, October 28, 2013

(re-plaid) There is a moment

in Jean-Luc Godard's One Plus One, aka Sympathy for the Devil, when Bill Wyman, in a break between takes, doodles the opening to Lou Reed's Walk on the Wild Side.

Which is interesting, because the film was made in 1968, four or five years before the Lou Reed song.....
And the colored girls say,
Doo do doo do doo do do doo

Monday, October 21, 2013

monday newstrip

The average cost of a bell tower has dropped by $100 over the past 12 months • North Korea's latest Photoshop fail, closing roads, schools • Israel discovers Hamas 'kidnap tunnel' forcing residents to evacuate • water has been overflowing from the Basilica of the Holy Child sending trampolines flying • worst potato processing plants caught on camera • recycled water will become the norm, experts say — once we get over the toppled trees • Australian sport said it would close its cyber attack site in Cebu • wild weather is making a women-led recovery.

Tuesday, October 15, 2013

tuesday newstrip

Ming-Chi Kuo has been sniffing the wind again • many mothers who bottle-feed would be satisfied to have one crack at Hamlet in a lifetime • Jon Bon Jovi has written to more than 10,000 parents whose children have not had measles vaccinations • New Zealand's median house price has today been sentenced on animal welfare charges for breaking the tails of 154 cows • gunmen have abducted up to three new mega casinos • the solar race finding will not be welcome news for farmers, policymakers, or rock gods • investor nervousness may have cost Sydney a single cigarette • are you seeing wind-related damage?

Monday, October 14, 2013

A crawfish that is frightened may flip its tail to flee,

& the effect of serotonin on this behavior

depends largely on the animal's social status.

Wednesday, October 09, 2013

wednesday newstrip

Warships enter Sydney Harbor—up to 300 feared drowned • pickled snake has been charged after a laser pointer aimed at a police helicopter • the economic headwinds confronting developing countries are not due to untreated waste water being pumped into the ocean • murdered property developer Michael McGurk asked doctors for breast enlargements & cosmetic dentistry • cyclist at level crossing bites woman to prevent koalas from going extinct • pushing through difficult reforms has made it easier to make a profit trading in fugitive terrorist suspects • American commandos think long & hard on what message the partial government shutdown sends about U.S. credibility to mechanized hellspawn overseas • wedding travel costs to two far-flung African countries are critical to the global recovery • mystery drone has crashed into a group of connoisseurs at an off-shore detention center.

Saturday, October 05, 2013

Labor Party rank & file to vote for new Federal Labor Party leader

For the first time, rank-&-file members of the Labor Party will vote for the Federal Parliamentary Labor Party leader. Often a pioneer amongst social democratic & labour parties, it's strange that Australian Labor is the last major centre-left party in an English-speaking Westminster democracy to embrace the direct election of the leader.

Bill Shorten & Anthony "Albo" Albanese are the two candidates.

It is rumored, however, that in case there's no clear winner, a compromise candidate, a member of the Middle Earth branch of the party, is ready to step forward to take the reins.
Bill
Albo
Bilbo

Friday, October 04, 2013

some septumber pwoermds

from won des laits

mediacrity

strengengthen

ikebanana

resindignation

ghnord

conselfservative

recipherocity

collapso

Thursday, October 03, 2013

thursday newstrip

Tasmania's deputy premier has denied he punched jailed Pussy Riot punk band member Nadezhda Tolokonnikov • man at the AFL grand final on Saturday sold Miss World a fake Syrian passport & a promise of permanent settlement in Australia • how to quit your job in style • a suspected clandestine drug lab wearing a Balmoral tartan skirt & surrounded by family photos shut down at midnight • the US government may be forced to concede its pingpong crown, the latest chapter in a tortuous legal process that has dragged on for six years • researchers believe a major milestone has been reached on the path to finding a cure for Republicans & Democrats • Kenya terror attack mall at risk from tsunamis & alleged corruption at the central bank's currency printing firms • Miss Philippines moved to the medical unit of her penal colony after Paracel Islands went up in flames.

Sunday, September 29, 2013

sunday newstrip

Prom Minister Toe Knee Ass-Bit says Cabinet is 95% sure Bandidos bikie gang members are responsible for global warming • a lone policeman with a submachine gun has had his passport confiscated & his assets frozen by the corporate regulator • landmark five-story report by the The Blues Brothers collapsed early Friday morning • the first scoop of Martian soil analysed by NASA's Curiosity rover held a 419-million-year-old fish fossil • Kiwifruit growers in Manawatu & Horowhenua face a nervous & uncertain week after software giant changes the insides of its tablet, collapsing the middle & leaving two outside walls standing • scientists largely rendered an historical curiosity following a breakthrough in research into the No 1 cancer killer of New Zealand men • United Nations called on Friday for a boycott of Italian pasta maker Barilla whose chairman said he would never feature a gay White House Situation Room in its advertising.

Friday, September 27, 2013

Tuesday, September 24, 2013

A line from Antonie van Leeuwenhoek

Tootooch lived on the
flesh of whales. Mixing
it with cinnamon helped
add the golden tones.

Rod stares down the
Cyclops Queen—will
drinking turmeric in
milk twice a day or

channeling his inner
Lady Gaga help him
most? Gulls fill the skies
from one yellow horizon

to the other. Any pop
star diva would be
jealous. Find all the lines
from this movie which

exists as temporary
royalty in the realm of
the senses. Tomatoes have
lots of anti-oxidants. A

Red Flag warning has
been issued in southwest
Oregon. This is my ball.
My rubber ball. I've had

it for two years. It has
a chemical absorbent to
provide relief & came
to me through a vending

machine at PriceRite,
on NE 2nd Avenue. The
only thing this picture
is missing is an evil face.

Monday, September 23, 2013

monday newstrip

Louisiana gator hunters bag a massive beast • Labor leadership hopeful Bill Shortening says he has the groceries needed to take the fight to Prom Minister Toe Knee Ass-Bit • scientist 'has proof' of alien life, came home to discover his taps poured nothing but Pope Francis interview • baboon steals cold beer from shopper, says it was unpaid & stranded after two Apple Stores were involved in a near-miss in the skies over Adelaide on Friday • US stocks fell on Friday as investors puzzled over details of the Federal Reserve's stimulus measures to increase rates of divorce, gays, contraception, chemical weapons, & abortion in The Democratic People's Republic of Korea (DPRK).

Friday, September 20, 2013

Gender Balanced

PM Toe Knee Ass-Bit announced on Monday a Cabinet with a gender balance he believes is appropriate for the times, nineteen men to one woman. A day later, Mr Ass-Bit stated that he will be the minister responsible for women's policies & programs, with the assistance of West Australian senator Michaelia Cash as minister assisting.

Four Corners' Liz Jackson reported in 2010 that Mr Ass-Bit had said in the 1970s: "I think it would be folly to expect that women will ever dominate or even approach equal representation in a large number of areas simply because their aptitudes, abilities & interests are different for physiological reasons."

Seven years ago, when the vast majority of Australian parents were privileged to be able to have their daughters vaccinated against the virus which causes cervical cancer, Mr Ass-Bit, whose views on virginity as a gift are well known, said no. "I won’t be rushing out to get my daughters vaccinated [for cervical cancer], maybe that’s because I’m a cruel, callow, callous, heartless bastard but, look, I won’t be." In Australia, cases of human papilloma virus infection have dropped nearly 60 per cent since the immunization program began.
Jenna Price: Tony Ass-Bit, minister for women? No thanks
The Sydney Morning Herald 9/19/13


& how will Michaelia Cash, the new minister assisting, perform? Here's a preview....

Wednesday, September 18, 2013

wednesday newstrip

Up a glass-&-steel staircase in a $120-a-night flat behind a crocodile-infested creek in north Queensland, Australian Federal Police recruits have nabbed their first functioning nuclear reactor • many small insects are impressive jumpers, fulfilling a dream by exiting the Solar System • Toe Knee Ass-Bit has decided to bunk with a sharp-suited drunk driver to reduce the risk of depression • Police have found unmarked doors in Western Australia's Great Southern region enjoying electronic cigarettes at their local pub • mild to moderate alcohol consumption could push SPI futures up 10 points.

Monday, September 16, 2013

Toe Knee Ass-Bit wins both Australian election & ugliest animal vote

Toe Knee Ass-Bit declared to a roomful of Liberal faithful this morning that no one can be a "suppository of all wisdom."



Some other words from the past of Ass-Bit, The Man Who Would Will Has Been Annointed To Be King

On immigration:

1. ‘Jesus knew that there was a place for everything and it’s not necessarily everyone’s place to come to Australia.’
2. ‘These people aren’t so much seeking asylum, they’re seeking permanent residency. If they were happy with temporary protection visas, then they might be able to argue better that they were asylum seekers’

On rights at work:

3. ‘Bad bosses, like bad fathers and husbands, should be tolerated because they do more good than harm’

On women:

4. ‘The problem with the Australian practice of abortion is that an objectively grave matter has been reduced to a question of the mother’s convenience.’
5. ‘I think it would be folly to expect that women will ever dominate or even approach equal representation in a large number of areas simply because their aptitudes, abilities and interests are different for physiological reasons’
6. ‘I think there does need to be give and take on both sides, and this idea that sex is kind of a woman’s right to absolutely withhold, just as the idea that sex is a man’s right to demand I think they are both they both need to be moderated, so to speak’
7. ‘What the housewives of Australia need to understand as they do the ironing is that if they get it done commercially it’s going to go up in price and their own power bills when they switch the iron on are going to go up, every year…’

On Julia Gillard:

8. ‘Gillard won’t lie down and die’

On climate change:

9. ‘Climate change is absolute crap’
10. ‘If you want to put a price on carbon why not just do it with a simple tax.’

On homosexuality:

11. ‘I’d probably … I feel a bit threatened’
12. ‘If you’d asked me for advice I would have said to have – adopt a sort of “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy about all of these things…’

On Indigenous Australia:

13. ‘Now, I know that there are some Aboriginal people who aren’t happy with Australia Day. For them it remains Invasion Day. I think a better view is the view of Noel Pearson, who has said that Aboriginal people have much to celebrate in this country’s British Heritage’
14. ‘Western civilisation came to this country in 1788 and I’m proud of that…’
15. ‘There may not be a great job for them but whatever there is, they just have to do it, and if it’s picking up rubbish around the community, it just has to be done’

On Nicola Roxon:

16: ‘That’s bullshit. You’re being deliberately unpleasant. I suppose you can’t help yourself, can you?’

The above are taken from The Age vs The Herald-Sun

Yet more words from over the years

Toe Knee Ass-Bit made such a faux pas on the 7.30 report this week, when he told Australia that they should ignore everything he says, unless it comes from a written statement. This differs from the trashmedia, it bears pointing out, as everything it writes down is probably bullshit.

#

"What the housewives of Australia need to understand as they do the ironing is that if they get it done commercially it's going to go up in price, and their own power bills when they switch the iron on, are going to go up."

#

Feminist Germaine Greer recently ridiculed the Prime Minister for the jackets she wears. In unvarnished terms Ms Greer said the clothes made the Prime Minister's backside look big.

This week the Opposition Leader Toe Knee Ass-Bit bought into the issue, agreeing with Ms Greer.

#

In promoting indigenous affairs to one of his top priorities, Mr Ass-Bit said there was no longer institutional racism in Australia and he believed most Australians saw Aborigines and Aboriginal culture as an “adornment” to the nation.

#

"I'm not someone who wants to see radical change (bringing in same sex marriage) based on the fashion of the moment."

"the push for marriage equality is just a fashion"

#

the opposition leader described the conflict in Syria as "baddies versus baddies" in a television interview Sunday.

#

Leader of the Opposition Toe Knee Ass-Bit, who famously expressed a fervent wish that his daughters would respect their virginity as the precious gift it is, and save it for their husbands.

#
Bernie Banton is a high-profile asbestos campaigner dying of asbestosis.

He attempted to present a petition calling for the last Coalition Government (2007) to subsidize Mesothelioma drug Alimta, but was left furious when the then Health Minister, Toe Knee Ass-Bit, was not at his office.

In an interview not long after, Ass-Bit labelled the petition a "stunt" and said Barton's terminal illness did not mean he was "necessarily pure of heart."

Sunday, September 15, 2013

The 2013 Ig Nobel Awards

Medicine Prize: Masateru Uchiyama, Gi Zhang, Toshihito Hirai, Atsushi Amano, Hisashi Hashuda (Japan), Xiangyuan Jin (China/Japan) & Masanori Niimi (Japan/UK) for assessing the effect of listening to opera on mice heart transplant patients.

Psychology Prize: Laurent Bègue, Oulmann Zerhouni, Baptiste Subra, & Medhi Ourabah, (France), Brad Bushman (USA/UK/, the Netherlands/Poland) for confirming that people who think they are drunk also think they are more attractive.

Joint Prize in Biology & Astronomy: Marie Dacke (Sweden/Australia), Emily Baird, Eric Warrant (Sweden/Australia/Germany], Marcus Byrne (South Africa/UK) & Clarke Scholtz (South Africa), for discovering that when dung beetles get lost,they can navigate their way home by looking at the Milky Way.

Safety Engineering Prize: The late Gustano Pizzo (US), for inventing an electro-mechanical system to trap airplane hijackers. The system drops a hijacker through trap doors, seals him into a package, then drops the hijacker through the airplane's specially-installed bomb bay doors through which he is parachuted to the ground where police, having been alerted by radio, await his arrival.

Physics Prize: Alberto Minetti (Italy/UK/Denmark/Switzerland), Yuri Ivanenko (Italy/Russia/France), Germana Cappellini, Francesco lacquaniti (Italy) & Nadia Dominici (Italy/Switzerland), for discovering that some people would be physically capable of running across the surface of a pond — if those people & that pond were on the Moon.

Chemistry Prize: Shinsuke Imai, Nobuaki Tsuge, Muneaki Tomotake, Yoshiaki Nagatome, Hidehiko Kumgai (Japan) & Toshiyuki Nagata (Japan/Germany), for discovering that the biochemical process by which onions make people cry is even more complicated than scientists previously realised.

Archaeology Prize: Brian Crandall (US) & Peter Stahl (Canada/US), for observing how the bones of a swallowed dead shrew dissolve inside the human digestive system

Peace Prize: Alexander Lukashenko, President of Belarus, for making it illegal to applaud in public, & to the Belarus State Police, for arresting a one-armed man for applauding.

Probability Prize: Bert Tolkamp (UK/the Netherlands), Marie Haskell, Fritha Langford, David Roberts, & Colin Morgan (UK), for making two related discoveries: first, that the longer a cow has been lying down, the more likely that cow will soon stand up; & second, that once a cow stands up, you cannot easily predict how soon that cow will lie down again.

Public Health Prize: Kasian Bhanganada, Tu Chayavatana, Chumporn Pongnumkul, Anunt Tonmukayakul, Piyasakol Sakolsatayadorn, Krit Komaratal, & Henry Wilde (Thailand), for the medical techniques of penile re-attachment after amputations (often by jealous wives). Techniques which they recommend, except in cases where the amputated penis has been partially eaten by a duck.

Thursday, September 12, 2013

thursday newstrip

Angelina Jolie is used as evidence to suggest that climate change, rather than humans, was the main factor that drove the woolly mammoth to extinction • the bicycle lane on College Street in central Sydney orchestrated a campaign of ethnic killings • Apple unveils new iPhones—most embarrassing romance fails • consumer confidence lives quietly on a leafy side street in Northern Virginia • Sydney's family friendly tourist attractions believed to be the motive behind a machete attack on China's economy • commodities giant Glencore Xstrata has promised to achieve $US2 billion worth of robberies across its unofficial global portfolio.

Tuesday, September 10, 2013

Just Out from Otoliths

Perhaps if I'd started earlier, & achieved what has thus far been achieved—80 books in total, covering a range of media & with an impressive list of creators—I might still have the energy to continue. But I didn't, & I haven't; so, with sadness, I announce the last two books from Otoliths.


grounds
harry k stammer
148 pages
Otoliths, 2013
ISBN: 978-0-9872010-8-9
$13.95 + p&h
URL: http://www.lulu.com/shop/harry-k-stammer/grounds/paperback/product-21042156.html

harry k stammer’s new book, grounds, is a sequel to his previous book tents. It continues to dig deeper into the realm of a homeless person’s mind as he/she lives in downtown Los Angeles. As Philip Primeau, of PERSISTENCIA, said of tents, “stammer mixes a sort of poetic cubism with wordplay, startling typography, and a wide array of other adventurous techniques with creative intensity rarely witnessed.” This book uses imagery and meaning to describe the various illnesses that afflict the homeless.


The Codicils
Mark Young
600 pages
Otoliths, 2013
ISBN: 978-0-9872010-9-6
$29.95 + p&h
URL: http://www.lulu.com/shop/mark-young/the-codicils/paperback/product-21152101.html

The Codicils is actually a number of new books, nine at least, collected into a single brick, covering Mark Young's poetry over the four years since the publication of Pelican Dreaming: Poems 1959-2008. It revisits some familiar themes — Magritte, geographies, that peripatectic Postman — but it also brings in a number of new streams & memes, & includes an essay by the poet on the universality of the stochastic methodology that lies behind his poetic canon.

The journal will continue on, & print copies of the three most recent issues, twenty-eight to thirty, are now available from The Otoliths Storefront where the full catalog of Otoliths books & issues of the journal can also be found.

Sunday, September 08, 2013

Aw, just wrods

from last month's won des laits.

uncorreted

worgasman

identurefy

hrony

infoolmation

reeferent

celebral

envelcrope

Saturday, September 07, 2013

Eloi Eloi lama sabachthani?

Portrait of a conservative dickhead

about to become Head Dick of Australia.

Yes, in about twelve hours time, Toe Knee Ass-Bit, The Man Who Would Will Be King, will be proclaimed Prime Minister. The obligatory regalia of the court will be decreed to be a condom on the head & a budgie in the bathers. Climate change won't be a concern any more because it will be legislated out of existence. & women will be reduced to being second-class citizens—except for the Royal Princesses because Daddy fancies them, though he won't admit it.

saturday newstrip

Opposition Leader Toe Knee Ass-Bit pleaded guilty to entering the playing field without authorization, & to wilful & obscene exposure in a public place, after running across the pitch in nothing but his trainers • A customer has sued luxury fashion label Prada after being unable to remove thousands of dead fish from a silk skirt • US family finds $300k in gold pollutants emitted by a local chemical plant • 'Electronic eyes' offered to child soldiers • union corruption caught on camera floating along a 19-mile stretch of a river in Hubei Province • Tamil refugee has discovered the root of maleness • eye-gouge boy admitted he just doesn't like tornadoes.

Thursday, September 05, 2013

Slaving the Planet

"Climate change is crap" said Toe Knee Ass-Bit, The Man Who Would Be King, at a farmers' meeting in Victoria four years ago.

"It is not possible to criticise the new Coalition policy on climate change because it does not exist. Mr Ass-Bit apparently knows what he is against, but not what he is for. Second, as we are being blunt, the fact is that Toe Knee & the people who put him in his job do not want to do anything about climate change. They do not believe in human-caused global warming. As Toe Knee observed on one occasion "climate change is crap" or if you consider his mentor, Senator Minginess, the world is not warming, it's cooling & the climate change issue is part of a vast left wing conspiracy to de-industrialize the world," said Malcontent Turncoatabull three months later, having been recently dumped as leader of the conservative opposition & replaced by Toe Knee.
Now Ass-Bit has a policy, which Turncoatabull supports. "The bottom line is we will spend as much as we have budgeted, no more & no less. We will get as much environmental improvement, as much emissions reduction as we can for the spending that we've budgeted," he said.

That budget is $3.2 billion over the next four years. Out of that, $2.55 billion will be spent paying industry & farmers to carry out projects to reduce emissions, the rest on planting trees & installing more rooftop solar.

Ass-Bit said he was confident the Coalition would meet the 5 per cent cut with the money on offer. But several independent economic modelling studies dispute this.

One, commissioned by the Climate Institute, found the Coalition was $4 billion short & direct action could instead see emissions rise 9 per cent above 2000 levels instead of 5 below. The assumptions made in Climate Institute modelling were kind to the Coalition.

Other work has found larger holes.

Sources: The Brisbane Times, Sydney Morning Herald.


Tuesday, September 03, 2013

tuesday newstrip

A man is in a critical condition in hospital after being rescued from a magazine cover featuring weight-loss plans • unhappy bat complains about closure of another low-cost carrier this week • Bar Refaeli posts photo of two gold kiwifruit weeping • mobile phone users crashed into a dam in the state's south • a porn performer who tested positive for HIV has admitted to shaming his country & poorly handling a defection attempt by his former police chief • we watch plants cope during bathtime • those who ate Kevin Rudd have suffered a sharp slump in popularity • strangest game show contestants could be captive wolves who turn carbon emission into bricks • woman & police attacked by dogs were less depressed & fatigued than Batman.

Saturday, August 31, 2013

suite tome, alabama



He did not ask
for permission to
come aboard. The
bar was open &
he was thirsty. A
country band. Sweet
Home Alabama
, just
like in that Reese
Witherspoon movie
he only ever saw
the end of, late
at night, on cable
tv. He drank. It was
raining. The credits
ran down his face.

Monday, August 26, 2013

The $1-million white picket fence

I got the Army's point,
a gigantic sign which read:

A STRONG FENCE CAN
MATE MULTIPLE TIMES IN

A SEASON & STILL SERVE AS
GRACELAND'S GUEST BOOK.

Sunday, August 25, 2013

Hypocrite orateur

Toe Knee Ass-Bit pauses after kissing another elderly nun on the lips — "Where's the tongue, Toe Knee?" she asked —


to channel Baudelaire & accuse former prime minister Julia Gillard of reducing Australian politics to a contest of ''crude political head-banging."


Who started it, Toe Knee Ass-Bit?

Hypocrite orateur!

Saturday, August 24, 2013

saturday newstrip

Bus drivers behaving badly — Peter Stefanovic's shots from Cairo crisis centre • man inserted a four-inch steel fork into his urethra in an out-of-this world project that has the potential to give ordinary people access to satellite technology • Tony Abbott in an attempt to achieve sexual gratification after a weak performance in the United States • contaminated water seeping from storage tanks one after another has taken the shine off soft drinks • a prejudiced security service enabled a neo-Nazi cell to get away with the murder of Princess Diana • the boys did not see a sharp decline in earnings, they saw the world's grumpiest cat, local police chief says • the US Federal Reserve's stimulus program was fired at Israel Thursday from southern Lebanon • Olivia Newton-John will press her advantage as a regional fibre island as investors fret over an imminent end to car manufacturing in Australia.

Friday, August 23, 2013

Thursday, August 22, 2013

Today the
postman brought
me the candelabrum
famous for
playing A Song
to Remember
on
a grand piano
on top of which
first Chopin &
then, later,
Liberace sat.

Wednesday, August 21, 2013

A / picture you / can't go past

aka the guardian of fork in passage


Canberra doctors removed a 10-centimetre fork from inside an elderly man's penis after a bizarre sexual mishap.

The 70-year-old arrived at the Canberra Hospital emergency department with a bleeding sexual organ.

He told doctors he had inserted the 10cm dining fork into his urethra almost 12 hours earlier in an attempt to achieve sexual gratification.

But the utensil became stuck.

The fork was not visible but doctors were able to feel it from the outside and X-rays showed its position.

Doctors considered several retrieval options before deciding to pull the fork free using forceps and "copious lubrication" while the patient was under a general anaesthetic.

The elderly patient was then sent home.
more...

Saturday, August 17, 2013

saturday newstrip

Deformed insects, some with fused teeth, have been linked to horizontal pole dancing • a six-year-old is at the heart of the brave exploration into speculation that US intelligence leaker Edward Snowden was interrogated by Russian authorities • the British government has said it is "deeply concerned" that a xenophobic attitude to foreign investment is blocking third-party apps from exercising with a ballet barre • the marginal Queensland seat of Forde exploded & sank in Mumbai • a new animal was arrested as the ground shook & buildings swayed from side to side • asylum seeker policy facing an electoral thumping from deterrence • an Indian submarine is the wrong answer.

Tuesday, August 13, 2013

There's one born every day



"Toe Knee Ass-Bit, Australia's opposition leader, has triggered a wave of scatological jokes with an unfortunate slip-up, declaring that no one can be a 'suppository of all wisdom.'"

Monday, August 12, 2013

not from what I saw . . .


Last night's "debate" between KRudd & Toe Knee Ass-Bit was, to use a cliché, boring as batshit.

Bring back Julia, I say.

Saturday, August 10, 2013

Friday, August 09, 2013

friday newstrip

The Kremlin says it is "disappointed" boys strangled by python • the Australian Greens have filled mosques & public spaces to mark the end of the holy month of Ramadan • TV's most offensive snake tanks • the US has cancelled the 25th anniversary of a pro-democracy uprising crushed by the country's military leaders • best death-defying stunts under threat with bid to make radiotherapy safer • a Taiwanese fisherman who was shot to death by Manila's coast guard in disputed waters three months ago has offered an official apology for the warming planet • the National Heart Foundation has been diagnosed with measles.

Tuesday, August 06, 2013

some july beings

from won des laits

tofutility

ambiantsy

behedonism

escalculation

ttoping

dreraming

outsouciance

erudietary

Thursday, August 01, 2013

Otoliths issue 30 is now live


Once again, with its southern winter, 2013 issue, Otoliths lives up to its reputation for delivering a cornucopia of wide-ranging creativity. In this issue you'll find work by SS Prasad, Raymond Farr, Mary Cresswell, Richard Kostelanetz, Volodymyr Bilyk, Alan Chamberlain, Jack Galmitz, Philip Miletec, Jim Meirose, Christopher Barnes, Nico Vassilakis, Philip Byron Oakes, Ed Baker, Theodoros Chiotis, David Kelly, Lewis Gesner, Michelle Greenblatt & Sheila E. Murphy, Anna Rugis, Daniel f Bradley, Bobbi Lurie, Elizabeth Terrazas, Willie Smith, John Tranter, Andrew Topel & Pete Spence, Felino A. Soriano, Adam Fieled, Kyle Hemmings, John M. Bennett, Joel Chace, Matt Hill, Jude Conlee, Ron Riekki, Donna Fleischer, Zachary Scott Hamilton, Carol Stetser & Tim Gaze, Theodore Worozbyt, Mia Avramut and John Riley, Jeff Harrison, Chris Brown, Craig Kurtz, bruno neiva & bárbara mesquita, Natsuko Hirata, William Repass, Johannes S. H. Bjerg, Wilna Panagos, Susan Kachor Conlon, Aditya Bahl, Márton Koppány, John Pursch, Alexander Jorgensen, Lakey Comess, Andrew Cantrell, Cecelia Chapman & Jeff Crouch, Paul Summers, Ric Carfagna, Marco Giovenale, Joe Balaz, Paul Pfleuger, Jr., Alex Stolis, Charles Freeland & Rosaire Appel, Eric Leighton McKneely, Sam Langer, trijita, Cherie Hunter Day, Tony Beyer, Mike Cannell, Reed Altemus, Boona Daroom, Ken Bolton, Bob Heman, Bogdan Puslenghea, Jim McCrary, Michael Brandonisio, Siel Ju, Scott Metz, Ken Nance, J. D. Nelson, Spencer Selby, pd mallamo, & Satu Kaikkonen.

Read & enjoy.