Wednesday, July 30, 2014

wednesday newstrip

Lily Allen, refloated for a price by salvage crews earlier this month, declares Temple University's Airport unsafe ∙ Australia bets big on coal as climate policy crumbles & a growing numbers of economic migrants from India start hiding their online activities ∙ a senior White House official noted: “Toe Knee Ass-Bit is an uncultured piranha who can successfully remove HIV from cultured human cells even when handcuffed to a rusting hulk" ∙ sightings of the bright orange & black monarch butterfly are few & far between this winter & the finger is being pointed at a group of 157 asylum-seekers held for weeks on the high seas on an Australian customs vessel ∙ most federal police officers will be required to apply for up to 40 jobs a month & work for the dole as part of an Instagram prank ∙ a 5-inch handset powered by a 1.2Ghz Quad-Core processor, Android 4.4 KitKat & 1GB of RAM docked at Voltri port in the Italian city of Genoa early Sunday.

Sunday, July 27, 2014

Today the
postman brought
me the shade of
Dylan Thomas
who stood in the
hallway & kept
on farting. Now I
know what was
meant by that
"when I was a
windy boy" thing
even though he got
the tense wrong.

Wednesday, July 23, 2014

wednesday newstrip

Astronaut Tim Peake says he was incredibly impressed with the creative & mouth-watering dead parrots offered at the Night Noodle Markets ∙ a huge manhunt was underway last night for a man wanted in connection with the murder of the University of Newcastle's robot soccer team, the NUbots ∙ Alex Salmond's plan for an independent Scotland to share the pound with Israeli television stations brought suspicion & paranoia &, eventually, violence to Brazil ∙ a Bridlington guest house landlady takes energy from rocks & metal by feasting directly on their electrons ∙ the riches promised by exporting news of the Malaysia Airlines crash in eastern Ukraine may have a devastating impact on local industries but the Australian dollar is higher as markets recover from negotiating the dangers of wood heaters & the British Masterchef final.

Sunday, July 20, 2014

Wednesday, July 16, 2014

wednesday newstrip

A purported sapphire front cover, which is rumored to be bound for Apple's upcoming 4.7-inch iPhone 6, has finally been broken by anatomical body parts made using a 3D printer ∙ Rupert Murdoch has called on Australians to stop building vast houses on seahorses & to be skeptical about Prom Minister Toe Knee Ass-Bit ∙ Pope Francis fears the local real-estate market will be saturated with pedophile marines following the bankruptcy of a local businessman ∙ a study done by researchers from the University of Victoria has suggested that reading online could make us stupid ∙ almost 50,000 X-rays taken at public hospitals on the Gold Coast have not been properly checked by Roman Catholic clerics ∙ a doctor who advised a woman to "self pleasure" as part of her treatment for an eating disorder will be reviewed by the Medical Council.

Saturday, July 12, 2014

A premature ejaculation

aka When a supposed fait accompli just didn't happen.

The image below is of today's issue of The Spectator Australia, a conservative journal supportive of Toe Knee Ass-Bit, printed, I'm guessing, a few days ago.

The text below is the introductory paragraph of a story from The Sydney Morning Herald of 7/10/14 detailing what actually happened.
The Senate has voted down the government’s third attempt to repeal the carbon tax after a chaotic morning in which the Palmer United Party backed out of its agreement to support the bills.

Thursday, July 10, 2014

The fires without

A meteorological map from last night, below, seems to indicate that there were showers occuring at the time in the upper left quadrant.

The image is misleading. In the Burdekin, much of which is between the 50 & 100km circles of the map, they still burn sugar cane before harvesting; & the supposed "showers" are, in fact, smoke from the fires. There are three sugar mills within that segment—& a fourth at Giru, just outside it—& in the farms that supply the mills there are probably six to eight fires each night in each area.

Wednesday, July 09, 2014

wednesday newstrip

A leading mental health organization says it is considering filing a formal complaint against Prom Minister Toe Knee Ass-Bit who controversially claimed that Australia had been "unsettled" before the arrival of the European invaders of the First Fleet ∙ airport security has been increased after a small blast in a vacant Victorian prison cell ∙ SAMSUNG is about to take the battle to Apple head-on, confirming its first range of premium tablets will draw attention to the area of athletes' crotches ∙ US scientists have said reports of two distant Earth-like planets, which some believed might be able to harbor life, were wrong, that they were either an artifact of stellar activity or 600 images of young girls in sexual poses superimposed on one another ∙ a speeding terror warning which fatally hit a fox-terrier puppy on Haumoana Beach has been called "dark" & "ugly" by the dog's owner.

Sunday, July 06, 2014

Today the
postman brought
me an aspidistra.
George Orwell
once told me
I had to keep
them flying. I'm
trying, George,
I'm really try-
ing. But it's very
hard to do when
there isn't that
much wind about.

Wednesday, July 02, 2014

wednesday newstrip

Prom Minister Toe Knee Ass-Bit, described yesterday by British health secretary Jeremy Hunt as a "callous, opportunistic, wicked predator" says he is "taking nothing for granted" ∙ the family of a teen who challenged his school's decision to suspend him over his hair length say they are pleased with the judgement as bills to repeal the carbon tax can seem a bit complicated & overwhelming ∙ those who watched television more than three hours per day were more than twice as likely to die young as those who watched an hour or less if waiting-list requests are anything to go by ∙ which of Australia's big four banks has controversially offered their rival smart-watches to Boko Haram in exchange for the release of nearly 200 kidnapped school girls? ∙ people use sightings of Lorde's lipstick as proof that there is extraterrestrial life on & near Earth ∙ the outlook for success for the new Senate is not good; experience shows that virginity-led efforts can take years to yield results.

Tuesday, July 01, 2014

Today the
postman brought
me an asteroid
belt. Pity I've
got no suit/able
trousers to
wear it with.