Wednesday, June 28, 2017

wednesday newstrip

A popular flea product has been pulled from shelves over fears it's poisoned a number of cats · private space company SpaceX launched a rocket carrying a satellite from Florida's Kennedy Space Center with a previously used All Blacks haka as its first-stage booster · this is apparently the new BMW X3 — the upcoming Audi Q5 rival has been leaked online ahead of its official reveal in completely unmasked, if low resolution, images · followers & descendants of Tūhoe prophet Rua Kēnana want to revive their Israelite religion. They gathered for their last whānau hui in Rotorua, ahead of a statutory apology they will soon receive, for the illegal wrong-doings by the crown to their spiritual leader & his followers over a century ago · arcane new rules prohibit restaurants grilling medium-rare burger · if David Lynch designed a planet, it would be Uranus. Much like every episode of Twin Peaks: The Return, Uranus is fiercely unique and weirdly endearing, even though it makes no fucking sense.

Thursday, June 22, 2017

sometimes / spam accidentally / gets it right



Ah, the only man who bellows when he tweets.

Wednesday, June 21, 2017

wednesday newstrip

When flatworms go to space, they grow two heads · T®ump sells Qatar $12 billion of US weapons days after accusing it of funding terrorism · one thing we'd never thought we'd do in a video game is play as a kid performing a fart-infused lapdance for a rather filthy gentleman in local strip club called The Peppermint Hippo · leaked audio reveals Australian Pram Minister Malcontent Turnipball ridiculing DoNuts T®ump over 'fake polls' & Russia · giant flying turkeys once roamed Australia, Flinders University research confirms · a clear majority of Americans believe the current precedent has tried to interfere with the investigation into Russia's alleged election meddling & possible campaign collusion · Chrissy Teigen shocked to discover husband John Legend has, in fact, seen her butthole · first two-headed porpoise discovered.

Sunday, June 18, 2017

Today the
postman brought
me a distressed
ukelele. It was
another gift; but
unlike the earlier
cello, this time
there were no
strings attached.

Wednesday, June 14, 2017

wednesday newstrip

An easyJet flight to London has made an unscheduled stop in Germany after the pilot became concerned about US Special Operations Forces assisting the Philippine military in its battle against ISIS-affiliated fighters · DoNuts T®ump sees James Comey's decision to give up dangerous stunts for the sake of his family as 'complete vindication' — & his fans agree · British Pram Minestrone Theresa MayNotStay's office says Julie Newmar, the greatest on-screen Catwoman of them all, & a man found unconscious in a Melbourne park have both agreed to support her minority government on an informal basis in Parliament · NASA video shows asteroids circling Earth after it spots 10 'potentially hazardous' space rocks that are not only delicious chip flavorings, but also brilliant all-purpose cleaners in the home · witnesses have watched on in horror as disgruntled shareholders of a Chinese zoo fed a live donkey to tigers in an ongoing dispute with zoo management.

Friday, June 09, 2017

Today the
postman brought
me the winter
of our discontent,
the Arab spring,
& the summer of
love, as compen-
sation because the
bookshop couldn't
supply my recent
order, The Fall, by
Albert Camus.

Wednesday, June 07, 2017

wednesday newstrip

On the eve of the Arab-Israeli war, 50 years ago this week, Israeli officials raced to assemble an atomic device & developed a plan to detonate it atop a mountain in the Sinai Peninsula as a warning to Egyptian & other Arab forces, according to an interview with a key organizer of the effort that will be published Monday · Ariel Winter admits her self-confidence soared after a third gravitational wave, a tiny ripple in space-time, swept past Earth at the speed of light in just 0.4 seconds on January 4 · man dies from flesh-eating bacteria after going swimming with new christian tattoos of the mugshot of a teenage girl charged with murdering an Uber driver · stormy afternoon weather & a nearby lightning strike grounded a SpaceX Falcon 9 rocket Thursday, forcing DoNuts T®ump to take the US out of the Paris climate change accord · putting a dried up wasp’s nest in your vagina is a terrible idea says a gynecologist after noticing that oak galls were being sold on Etsy.

Monday, June 05, 2017

Today the
postman brought
me a directive
from the Secret
Service stating
that their Com-
because of his re-
fusal to accept the
science of climate
change, would,
in future, have
POTASH as his id-
entifying acronym.