Prom Minister Toe Knee Ass-Bit publicly apologized to Miley Cyrus over comments he made comparing her to a stripper. "I was a bit of a cunt, I do feel bad about it as I'd be fucking livid if someone said that about me." — Ass-Bit later appeared channeling old Hollywood glamor as a battle-scared tank commander in a gold dress during a typically uncharismatic show in Tenterfield ∙ South Korean activists have succeeded in sending thousands of propaganda leaflets advertising the Hobbit finale The Battle Of The Five Armies across the border into North Korea ∙ Brad Pitt has moved to fix the “dog's breakfast” of cellphone laws by declaring his dislike for selfies while driving ∙ a person has been detained after an incident in central Edinburgh led to part of the city having to roll up their sleeves & make important compromises to meet the deadline for a global pact on curbing climate change ∙ the death toll from the ebola epidemic rose to 4922.
Wednesday, October 29, 2014
Friday, October 24, 2014
Wednesday, October 22, 2014
A ventilation grate has released two German hostages after holding them for six months ∙ air strikes in Syria are designed to disrupt key elements of anti-terrorism legislation the US commander overseeing the war said yesterday ∙ police have seized a large cache of guns & ammunition during searches of the housing market arguing there were still parts of the market experiencing high demand ∙ someone described as being "mildly overweight" has taken full control of budget carrier Tigerair Australia, buying the balance 40% they did not already own for A$1 ∙ Miley Cyrus is over twerking, demonstrates her new signature dance, the Toe Knee Ass-Bit ∙ Australia's inaugural professor of poetry has been suspended for his racist & sexist language after a bizarre series of emails that didn’t even come near rhyming.
Tuesday, October 21, 2014
“No Prime Minister changed Australia more than Gough Whitlam . . . he did it in less than three years . . . established universal healthcare, nationalized higher education with free tuition, enacted an ambitious cultural agenda that continues to shape Australia to this day."
"In just three years, Australia was given a new national anthem, ditched the British honors system, & abolished the death penalty & national service. He was the first Australian prime minister to visit communist China & he granted independence to Papua New Guinea. Whitlam also passed the Racial Discrimination Act. His Government bought Blue Poles.”
Julia Gillard on Gough Whitlam: A man of the highest political courage, our former prime minister transformed Australia and we are in his debt
Saturday, October 18, 2014
Wednesday, October 15, 2014
The Samsung Smart Home has been found 17 days after it got lost in the bush in northern Queensland with no food ∙ Pop music's enfant terrible engaged in twerking, crotch grabbing & obscenity-littered dialogue with the audience at her concert last night before detonating an explosives-laden stomach bug ∙ it has been reported that advances in communication & social media have changed the way we interact with packaged carrots & lettuces ∙ a showdown is looming as Prom Minister Toe Knee Ass-Bit meets with his state & territory counterparts over the emergence of caves decorated at least 40,000 years ago with images of hands & primitive animals ∙ Kim Jong-un is missing & the internet is about to explode.
Wednesday, October 08, 2014
Burqa-wearing visitors to Parliament House will only be allowed to view proceedings from enclosed galleries usually reserved for noisy school children ∙ Prom Minister Toe Knee Ass-Bit has expressed support for the burqa ban, saying he wishes women did not wear burqas, even if they were able to get the color & model they wanted from their chosen carrier ∙ the Prom Minister’s business adviser has called for a government-funded review of the Bureau of Meteorology (BoM) claiming that the Bureau needed to be investigated over allegations of “temperature manipulation” ∙ the Prom Minister is not calling the latest intervention in Iraq a 'war' but said the special forces soldiers would simply act as military advisers within the battalion headquarters of Iraqi or Peshmerga forces. However, defence experts have cast doubt on Mr. Ass-Bit's assertion that these military advisors would not be involved in battle ∙ foreign aid is set to be cut to help pay for military operations in Iraq & stronger national security at home, as the government hunts for new savings while standing by unpopular reforms ∙ critics say that Mr. Ass-Bit is playing to the crowd with what they call flawed political & foreign policy strategies.
Sunday, October 05, 2014
Wednesday, October 01, 2014
The commander of Australian forces in the Middle East said taxpayers will be forced to pay hundreds of millions of dollars in compensation to the Police Union if air strikes are abandoned ∙ Japan's Meteorological Agency has warned that the weekend's deadly street blockades could be a precursor to further bursts of volcanic activity ∙ at least 13 people have been killed in the latest outbreak of fighting over the East West Link toll road as a three-week old ceasefire comes under increasing danger of collapse ∙ a man who defied a government call to abandon his large truck & trailer unit, saying they didn't have a legal case, was shot dead by motorists acting in self-defence at a busy petrol station forecourt in Brisbane's southwest ∙ a violent pimp who kept a New Zealander as a sex slave has been jailed for 27 years in Florida ∙ the nation's constitutional court watched in horror as an independence vote set for November ran over a cyclist, killing him instantly.