sunday newstrip

Prom Minister Toe Knee Ass-Bit says Cabinet is 95% sure Bandidos bikie gang members are responsible for global warming • a lone policeman with a submachine gun has had his passport confiscated & his assets frozen by the corporate regulator • landmark five-story report by the The Blues Brothers collapsed early Friday morning • the first scoop of Martian soil analysed by NASA's Curiosity rover held a 419-million-year-old fish fossil • Kiwifruit growers in Manawatu & Horowhenua face a nervous & uncertain week after software giant changes the insides of its tablet, collapsing the middle & leaving two outside walls standing • scientists largely rendered an historical curiosity following a breakthrough in research into the No 1 cancer killer of New Zealand men • United Nations called on Friday for a boycott of Italian pasta maker Barilla whose chairman said he would never feature a gay White House Situation Room in its advertising.

If you want a small taste

of what The Codicils is about

then check out Asemic Colon, an ebook just released in the U.K. by The Red Ceilings Press.

geographies: Childers

A line from Antonie van Leeuwenhoek

Tootooch lived on the
flesh of whales. Mixing
it with cinnamon helped
add the golden tones.

Rod stares down the
Cyclops Queen—will
drinking turmeric in
milk twice a day or

channeling his inner
Lady Gaga help him
most? Gulls fill the skies
from one yellow horizon

to the other. Any pop
star diva would be
jealous. Find all the lines
from this movie which

exists as temporary
royalty in the realm of
the senses. Tomatoes have
lots of anti-oxidants. A

Red Flag warning has
been issued in southwest
Oregon. This is my ball.
My rubber ball. I've had

it for two years. It has
a chemical absorbent to
provide relief & came
to me through a vending

machine at PriceRite,
on NE 2nd Avenue. The
only thing this picture
is missing is an evil face.

monday newstrip

Louisiana gator hunters bag a massive beast • Labor leadership hopeful Bill Shortening says he has the groceries needed to take the fight to Prom Minister Toe Knee Ass-Bit • scientist 'has proof' of alien life, came home to discover his taps poured nothing but Pope Francis interview • baboon steals cold beer from shopper, says it was unpaid & stranded after two Apple Stores were involved in a near-miss in the skies over Adelaide on Friday • US stocks fell on Friday as investors puzzled over details of the Federal Reserve's stimulus measures to increase rates of divorce, gays, contraception, chemical weapons, & abortion in The Democratic People's Republic of Korea (DPRK).

Gender Balanced

PM Toe Knee Ass-Bit announced on Monday a Cabinet with a gender balance he believes is appropriate for the times, nineteen men to one woman. A day later, Mr Ass-Bit stated that he will be the minister responsible for women's policies & programs, with the assistance of West Australian senator Michaelia Cash as minister assisting.

Four Corners' Liz Jackson reported in 2010 that Mr Ass-Bit had said in the 1970s: "I think it would be folly to expect that women will ever dominate or even approach equal representation in a large number of areas simply because their aptitudes, abilities & interests are different for physiological reasons."

Seven years ago, when the vast majority of Australian parents were privileged to be able to have their daughters vaccinated against the virus which causes cervical cancer, Mr Ass-Bit, whose views on virginity as a gift are well known, said no. "I won’t be rushing out to get my daughters vaccinated [for cervical cancer], maybe that’s because I’m a cruel, callow, callous, heartless bastard but, look, I won’t be." In Australia, cases of human papilloma virus infection have dropped nearly 60 per cent since the immunization program began.

Jenna Price: Tony Ass-Bit, minister for women? No thanks
The Sydney Morning Herald 9/19/13

& how will Michaelia Cash, the new minister assisting, perform? Here's a preview....

I Capuleti e i Montecchi

wednesday newstrip

Up a glass-&-steel staircase in a $120-a-night flat behind a crocodile-infested creek in north Queensland, Australian Federal Police recruits have nabbed their first functioning nuclear reactor • many small insects are impressive jumpers, fulfilling a dream by exiting the Solar System • Toe Knee Ass-Bit has decided to bunk with a sharp-suited drunk driver to reduce the risk of depression • Police have found unmarked doors in Western Australia's Great Southern region enjoying electronic cigarettes at their local pub • mild to moderate alcohol consumption could push SPI futures up 10 points.

Toe Knee Ass-Bit wins both Australian election & ugliest animal vote

Toe Knee Ass-Bit declared to a roomful of Liberal faithful this morning that no one can be a "suppository of all wisdom."

Some other words from the past of Ass-Bit, The Man Who Would Will Has Been Annointed To Be King

On immigration:

1. ‘Jesus knew that there was a place for everything and it’s not necessarily everyone’s place to come to Australia.’
2. ‘These people aren’t so much seeking asylum, they’re seeking permanent residency. If they were happy with temporary protection visas, then they might be able to argue better that they were asylum seekers’

On rights at work:

3. ‘Bad bosses, like bad fathers and husbands, should be tolerated because they do more good than harm’

On women:

4. ‘The problem with the Australian practice of abortion is that an objectively grave matter has been reduced to a question of the mother’s convenience.’
5. ‘I think it would be folly to expect that women will ever dominate or even approach equal representation in a large number of areas simply because their aptitudes, abilities and interests are different for physiological reasons’
6. ‘I think there does need to be give and take on both sides, and this idea that sex is kind of a woman’s right to absolutely withhold, just as the idea that sex is a man’s right to demand I think they are both they both need to be moderated, so to speak’
7. ‘What the housewives of Australia need to understand as they do the ironing is that if they get it done commercially it’s going to go up in price and their own power bills when they switch the iron on are going to go up, every year…’

On Julia Gillard:

8. ‘Gillard won’t lie down and die’

On climate change:

9. ‘Climate change is absolute crap’
10. ‘If you want to put a price on carbon why not just do it with a simple tax.’

On homosexuality:

11. ‘I’d probably … I feel a bit threatened’
12. ‘If you’d asked me for advice I would have said to have – adopt a sort of “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy about all of these things…’

On Indigenous Australia:

13. ‘Now, I know that there are some Aboriginal people who aren’t happy with Australia Day. For them it remains Invasion Day. I think a better view is the view of Noel Pearson, who has said that Aboriginal people have much to celebrate in this country’s British Heritage’
14. ‘Western civilisation came to this country in 1788 and I’m proud of that…’
15. ‘There may not be a great job for them but whatever there is, they just have to do it, and if it’s picking up rubbish around the community, it just has to be done’

On Nicola Roxon:

16: ‘That’s bullshit. You’re being deliberately unpleasant. I suppose you can’t help yourself, can you?’

The above are taken from The Age vs The Herald-Sun

Yet more words from over the years

Toe Knee Ass-Bit made such a faux pas on the 7.30 report this week, when he told Australia that they should ignore everything he says, unless it comes from a written statement. This differs from the trashmedia, it bears pointing out, as everything it writes down is probably bullshit.

#

"What the housewives of Australia need to understand as they do the ironing is that if they get it done commercially it's going to go up in price, and their own power bills when they switch the iron on, are going to go up."

#

Feminist Germaine Greer recently ridiculed the Prime Minister for the jackets she wears. In unvarnished terms Ms Greer said the clothes made the Prime Minister's backside look big.

This week the Opposition Leader Toe Knee Ass-Bit bought into the issue, agreeing with Ms Greer.

#

In promoting indigenous affairs to one of his top priorities, Mr Ass-Bit said there was no longer institutional racism in Australia and he believed most Australians saw Aborigines and Aboriginal culture as an “adornment” to the nation.

#

"I'm not someone who wants to see radical change (bringing in same sex marriage) based on the fashion of the moment."

"the push for marriage equality is just a fashion"

#

the opposition leader described the conflict in Syria as "baddies versus baddies" in a television interview Sunday.

#

Leader of the Opposition Toe Knee Ass-Bit, who famously expressed a fervent wish that his daughters would respect their virginity as the precious gift it is, and save it for their husbands.

#
Bernie Banton is a high-profile asbestos campaigner dying of asbestosis.

He attempted to present a petition calling for the last Coalition Government (2007) to subsidize Mesothelioma drug Alimta, but was left furious when the then Health Minister, Toe Knee Ass-Bit, was not at his office.

In an interview not long after, Ass-Bit labelled the petition a "stunt" and said Barton's terminal illness did not mean he was "necessarily pure of heart."

The 2013 Ig Nobel Awards

Medicine Prize: Masateru Uchiyama, Gi Zhang, Toshihito Hirai, Atsushi Amano, Hisashi Hashuda (Japan), Xiangyuan Jin (China/Japan) & Masanori Niimi (Japan/UK) for assessing the effect of listening to opera on mice heart transplant patients.

Psychology Prize: Laurent Bègue, Oulmann Zerhouni, Baptiste Subra, & Medhi Ourabah, (France), Brad Bushman (USA/UK/, the Netherlands/Poland) for confirming that people who think they are drunk also think they are more attractive.

Joint Prize in Biology & Astronomy: Marie Dacke (Sweden/Australia), Emily Baird, Eric Warrant (Sweden/Australia/Germany], Marcus Byrne (South Africa/UK) & Clarke Scholtz (South Africa), for discovering that when dung beetles get lost,they can navigate their way home by looking at the Milky Way.

Safety Engineering Prize: The late Gustano Pizzo (US), for inventing an electro-mechanical system to trap airplane hijackers. The system drops a hijacker through trap doors, seals him into a package, then drops the hijacker through the airplane's specially-installed bomb bay doors through which he is parachuted to the ground where police, having been alerted by radio, await his arrival.

Physics Prize: Alberto Minetti (Italy/UK/Denmark/Switzerland), Yuri Ivanenko (Italy/Russia/France), Germana Cappellini, Francesco lacquaniti (Italy) & Nadia Dominici (Italy/Switzerland), for discovering that some people would be physically capable of running across the surface of a pond — if those people & that pond were on the Moon.

Chemistry Prize: Shinsuke Imai, Nobuaki Tsuge, Muneaki Tomotake, Yoshiaki Nagatome, Hidehiko Kumgai (Japan) & Toshiyuki Nagata (Japan/Germany), for discovering that the biochemical process by which onions make people cry is even more complicated than scientists previously realised.

Archaeology Prize: Brian Crandall (US) & Peter Stahl (Canada/US), for observing how the bones of a swallowed dead shrew dissolve inside the human digestive system

Peace Prize: Alexander Lukashenko, President of Belarus, for making it illegal to applaud in public, & to the Belarus State Police, for arresting a one-armed man for applauding.

Probability Prize: Bert Tolkamp (UK/the Netherlands), Marie Haskell, Fritha Langford, David Roberts, & Colin Morgan (UK), for making two related discoveries: first, that the longer a cow has been lying down, the more likely that cow will soon stand up; & second, that once a cow stands up, you cannot easily predict how soon that cow will lie down again.

Public Health Prize: Kasian Bhanganada, Tu Chayavatana, Chumporn Pongnumkul, Anunt Tonmukayakul, Piyasakol Sakolsatayadorn, Krit Komaratal, & Henry Wilde (Thailand), for the medical techniques of penile re-attachment after amputations (often by jealous wives). Techniques which they recommend, except in cases where the amputated penis has been partially eaten by a duck.

geographies: Serpentine Lagoon

getting your priorities right

thursday newstrip

Angelina Jolie is used as evidence to suggest that climate change, rather than humans, was the main factor that drove the woolly mammoth to extinction • the bicycle lane on College Street in central Sydney orchestrated a campaign of ethnic killings • Apple unveils new iPhones—most embarrassing romance fails • consumer confidence lives quietly on a leafy side street in Northern Virginia • Sydney's family friendly tourist attractions believed to be the motive behind a machete attack on China's economy • commodities giant Glencore Xstrata has promised to achieve $US2 billion worth of robberies across its unofficial global portfolio.

Just Out from Otoliths

Perhaps if I'd started earlier, & achieved what has thus far been achieved—80 books in total, covering a range of media & with an impressive list of creators—I might still have the energy to continue. But I didn't, & I haven't; so, with sadness, I announce the last two books from Otoliths.

grounds
harry k stammer
148 pages
Otoliths, 2013
ISBN: 978-0-9872010-8-9
$13.95 + p&h
URL: http://www.lulu.com/shop/harry-k-stammer/grounds/paperback/product-21042156.html

harry k stammer’s new book, grounds, is a sequel to his previous book tents. It continues to dig deeper into the realm of a homeless person’s mind as he/she lives in downtown Los Angeles. As Philip Primeau, of PERSISTENCIA, said of tents, “stammer mixes a sort of poetic cubism with wordplay, startling typography, and a wide array of other adventurous techniques with creative intensity rarely witnessed.” This book uses imagery and meaning to describe the various illnesses that afflict the homeless.

The Codicils
Mark Young
600 pages
Otoliths, 2013
ISBN: 978-0-9872010-9-6
$29.95 + p&h
URL: http://www.lulu.com/shop/mark-young/the-codicils/paperback/product-21152101.html

The Codicils is actually a number of new books, nine at least, collected into a single brick, covering Mark Young's poetry over the four years since the publication of Pelican Dreaming: Poems 1959-2008. It revisits some familiar themes — Magritte, geographies, that peripatectic Postman — but it also brings in a number of new streams & memes, & includes an essay by the poet on the universality of the stochastic methodology that lies behind his poetic canon.

The journal will continue on, & print copies of the three most recent issues, twenty-eight to thirty, are now available from The Otoliths Storefront where the full catalog of Otoliths books & issues of the journal can also be found.

the morning after the morning after

we lost

he won

Aw, just wrods

from last month's won des laits.

uncorreted

worgasman

identurefy

hrony

infoolmation

reeferent

celebral

envelcrope

Eloi Eloi lama sabachthani?

Portrait of a conservative dickhead

about to become Head Dick of Australia.

Yes, in about twelve hours time, Toe Knee Ass-Bit, The Man Who Would Will Be King, will be proclaimed Prime Minister. The obligatory regalia of the court will be decreed to be a condom on the head & a budgie in the bathers. Climate change won't be a concern any more because it will be legislated out of existence. & women will be reduced to being second-class citizens—except for the Royal Princesses because Daddy fancies them, though he won't admit it.

saturday newstrip

Opposition Leader Toe Knee Ass-Bit pleaded guilty to entering the playing field without authorization, & to wilful & obscene exposure in a public place, after running across the pitch in nothing but his trainers • A customer has sued luxury fashion label Prada after being unable to remove thousands of dead fish from a silk skirt • US family finds $300k in gold pollutants emitted by a local chemical plant • 'Electronic eyes' offered to child soldiers • union corruption caught on camera floating along a 19-mile stretch of a river in Hubei Province • Tamil refugee has discovered the root of maleness • eye-gouge boy admitted he just doesn't like tornadoes.

Slaving the Planet

"Climate change is crap" said Toe Knee Ass-Bit, The Man Who Would Be King, at a farmers' meeting in Victoria four years ago.

"It is not possible to criticise the new Coalition policy on climate change because it does not exist. Mr Ass-Bit apparently knows what he is against, but not what he is for. Second, as we are being blunt, the fact is that Toe Knee & the people who put him in his job do not want to do anything about climate change. They do not believe in human-caused global warming. As Toe Knee observed on one occasion "climate change is crap" or if you consider his mentor, Senator Minginess, the world is not warming, it's cooling & the climate change issue is part of a vast left wing conspiracy to de-industrialize the world," said Malcontent Turncoatabull three months later, having been recently dumped as leader of the conservative opposition & replaced by Toe Knee.

Now Ass-Bit has a policy, which Turncoatabull supports. "The bottom line is we will spend as much as we have budgeted, no more & no less. We will get as much environmental improvement, as much emissions reduction as we can for the spending that we've budgeted," he said.

That budget is $3.2 billion over the next four years. Out of that, $2.55 billion will be spent paying industry & farmers to carry out projects to reduce emissions, the rest on planting trees & installing more rooftop solar.

Ass-Bit said he was confident the Coalition would meet the 5 per cent cut with the money on offer. But several independent economic modelling studies dispute this.

One, commissioned by the Climate Institute, found the Coalition was $4 billion short & direct action could instead see emissions rise 9 per cent above 2000 levels instead of 5 below. The assumptions made in Climate Institute modelling were kind to the Coalition.

Other work has found larger holes.

Sources: The Brisbane Times, Sydney Morning Herald.

geographies: Milman

tuesday newstrip

A man is in a critical condition in hospital after being rescued from a magazine cover featuring weight-loss plans • unhappy bat complains about closure of another low-cost carrier this week • Bar Refaeli posts photo of two gold kiwifruit weeping • mobile phone users crashed into a dam in the state's south • a porn performer who tested positive for HIV has admitted to shaming his country & poorly handling a defection attempt by his former police chief • we watch plants cope during bathtime • those who ate Kevin Rudd have suffered a sharp slump in popularity • strangest game show contestants could be captive wolves who turn carbon emission into bricks • woman & police attacked by dogs were less depressed & fatigued than Batman.