wednesday newstrip

The chair of the child sex abuse royal commission has probed a former Commanding Officer about his knowledge of physical & sexual abuse at an Army Apprentices school in the 1970s · a NSW man has been charged after allegedly performing unauthorized surgery to remove the left testicle of a financially desperate man · Scotland sees its future firmly in Game of Thrones, its leader says, as most of the rest of Britain voted to leave · oldest evidence of agriculture point towards termites, not humans · Trump calls Brexit outcome 'a great thing.' 'Just like my penis,' he added.

once upon a time, Australia would have, Turnipball

Today the
postman brought
me a Quarter
Pounder™, small
World Famous
Fries™, & a large
Coke™. "I've
delivered you
Civilization™"
he said.

back & forth

after Hokusai

wednesday newstrip

A group of three amateur archaeologists, aptly nicknamed "Team Rainbow Power," have unearthed the largest viking gay pride rally in the history of Denmark · demonstrators in Istanbul are anxiously waiting for the discovery of gold · Blizzard has shared new details on Overwatch, specifically the competitive mode that roamed the windswept plains of Patagonia until finally felled by a perfect storm of a rapidly warming climate & human intervention · the NSW Rugby League team's medical staff have been urgently trying to get their hands on a prescription for the drug required to treat the world's biggest automotive recall for deadly airbags · Turkish police have fired tear gas & rubber bullets to disperse giant Ice Age species including elephant-sized sloths & powerful saber-toothed cats.

Malcontent Turnipballs considers the future

wednesday newstrip

Attacks on albinos grow in Malawi as body parts are sold for witchcraft · bright orange & smelling 'amazing' - a British seagull survives a stint in a commercial vat of chicken tikka · the world's biggest smartphone maker is picking a fight with the leading fitness technology seller today after a tourist captures crazy pics of kangaroo & pig having sex · a child psychiatrist from Perth accused of filming a boy in a public bathroom in Canada has given up his right to a trio of different-colored chicks nesting in a bent antique spoon created by a Melbourne taxidermist and jeweler · patients undergoing surgery on the weekend are more likely to die than those admitted on weekdays, new research has found.

a garden

Today the
postman brought
me a birthday
card from the
Marquis de
Sade. Not for
me, I told him,
two houses up
the road. I ran
to retrieve it
the minute he
was out of sight.

condominium

recycled, because I like it

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wednesday newstrip

Auckland mayoral candidate Phil Goff & the grandfather of a little boy savagely attacked by a gang of dogs are all over each other's Instagrams - feeding donkeys, playing Twister, riding dinosaur props - you name it · complaints about the public sowing sweet peas in upmarket residential, high-value commercial & public spaces started coming in to the police just after midnight · the remains of up to 40 boy racers were found inside a euthanased crocodile in far north Queensland · large cats now dominate our food supplies · BMW is planning to reposition its high-end coupes by bringing back Deus Ex: Mankind Divided to move the city's port & turn the waterfront land into a universal cancer vaccine.

Punchlines

Get up and fight, sucker

He stood slowly, took a
long drink of water, &
added Mental Health Head-
lines to his news reader.


When I lay a man down he should stay down.

An alternative for open-
minded couples is the
American Indian tribe
known for its totem poles
& the use of pricing
as an incentive mechanism
for stimulating participation.


You have to give him credit. He put up a fight for one and a half rounds.

Don’t let embarrassment get
in the way—it is good
to be reminded that the Xinghua
Metal Wire Mesh Factory
has a genuine cure for baldness.


What’s my name, what’s my name?

“How to maintain my sexual identity in the face of the faggot husband paradox?” The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two. “This is not a catastrophic situation. In the way we know a real person, except for the crucial fact that fictional others are ideally constituted rather than perceived, we develop higher-order asymptotics. They have some resemblance to shame but little likeness to guilt. It’s something akin to Zeno's most fundamental paradox, according to which a flying arrow is not moving, since at any time it is in one definite place. Additionally, it’s crucially important to monitor humidity within the winecellar.”


So I said; You go out & hit him. I’m tired.

Manifest in every—or
any—empirical manifestation
of the woven mat is a code
expression for prayer time.


Come on, George. Show me something.

The world's largest drug
company just ditched
an educational &
public-interest film project
when they found that the
three major beetle groups
under study were all
coming up one testicle short.


I’m too fast. I’m too smart. I’m too pretty. I should be a postage stamp.

Their wave speed
independent of their
triangulated per-
formance, the
two monks
spoke in riddles
that went back to
Aristotle & Aquinas.


I am the loneliest of boxing’s poet laureates.

The 44-year-old former teen idol
was sentenced to 90 days in a
Boolean prison. So dead AND My Love!


(The punchlines are, of course, the work of Muhammad Ali. R.I.P.)


originally published in Softblow
& later collected in The Codicils

with Kline in Luxembourg

wednesday newstrip

A stunning woman arrested in the States has sent the Sanders campaign into meltdown after her flawless mugshot exposed a 'personal hostility toward the senator' · now that the final installment of Naughty Dog's Uncharted series has been available for a little over two weeks, there has been increased speculation that the gaming studio has begun working on cute cat videos · Apple has been accused of removing a lesbian couple from an international version of its Mother's Day advertisement · it could have been the most devastating invasion of Europe after Attila the Hun, but the attack by the Golden Horde, led by a grandson of Genghis Khan, ended abruptly in AD 1242 when confronted by twenty-five new Customs officers · solar activity has been at very low levels for the past 24 hours following criticism by former congressman Barney Frank.